What is at the root of our resistance to our best possible selves? Why is it that we seem to generate some pretty terrific ideas only to have them die in transit to action?
You know the story – you've got some thoughts swirling around in your mind about a topic for a compelling book you'd like to write or excitement with a new relationship that's taking off, musings about running for town council or a family relocation to some long-imagined exotic location. These thoughts feel exciting and inspiring … until they either come to a screeching halt or quietly slip away. Why does this sequence of events happen so frequently? Why do we end up resisting the very thing we long for?
Enter the Lizard or Primitive Brain – our amygdala “fight-or-flight” center. The primary purpose of this part of the brain near the top of your spinal cord is survival. When doubt or fear creep into our thinking, it opens the door to the room where the lizard lies sleeping, sometimes just a tiny bit. But a little is all it takes to nudge the lizard brain awake. Those creative, innovative ideas that were just percolating in your neocortex are now at risk. Fear is almost always the trigger.
It's a bit like having two brains that operate under opposing forces. The Lizard brain has an essential role (if you need to run from a T-rex) but can become a real barrier to positive life change. Because of its involvement in processing and storing emotional memories, it has the power to hijack or impede the thoughts and actions of the evolutionarily younger cerebrum. While our cerebral cortex is processing all sorts of cutting-edge ideas and contemplating risk, our lizard brain is trying to protect us and keep us safe. Unfortunately, our “safe zone” is not where personal growth takes place. So, what can we do?
The challenge is to cultivate awareness of this phenomena and develop strategies to lull your lizard back to sleep when not truly needed. Be on the lookout for Shenpa, a Tibetan word for the urge or hook that triggers our habitual tendency to shut down. Think of shenpa as the lizard response. In a rather obscure way, we feel a tensing or tightening, a sense of withdrawing, self-rejection or shutting down. And, that tight feeling has the power to hook us into blame, anger, guilt, envy and other negative emotions that might sabotage our best efforts. We get hooked in that moment of tightening and often get stuck there. We could call the everyday experience of shenpa “that sticky feeling.” Tibetan teacher, Pema Chodron, tells us “Shenpa thrives on the underlying insecurity of living in a world that is always changing.”
To get unhooked from the attachment of Shenpa, to tame our lizard fear that is trying to keep us safe but is actually getting in the way, we begin by recognizing that moment of unease and learning to relax in that moment. If we can see shenpa just as we're starting to close down, when we begin to notice the tightening, we might catch the urge to do the habitual thing, and refrain from doing it. The ability to recognize and label the lizard's presence is the first step. This awareness provides the knowledge to begin re-patterning our habits. Next, remind yourself that the lizard likes to release adrenaline into your bloodstream in preparation for fighting or fleeing. Instead of allowing the flood of adrenaline, relax by breathing slowly and deeply. Close your eyes if it helps. Use self-talk to tell yourself that you observe the shenpa and are choosing to release it. Since you've been conditioned into shenpa for many years, it will take some time to learn to avoid your well-worn path and relearn the new awareness and habits. Consistent practice is the key.
We can restrain the "fight-or-flight" Lizard brain by counting blessings, committing to positive thoughts and acknowledging the beauty and love around us. Fear and self-protection sabotage our higher purpose but Gratitude tames fear. Just the posture of “being in gratitude” seems to disallow fear or anger because positive thoughts displace negative ones. The more you practice taming your lizard brain, the better you will become at sustaining consciousness and cerebral higher-level thinking that can move you forward in your life. Confronting our fear is less about pushing it away and more about acknowledging it for what it is and stripping it of its power. Of course, if you need your lizard brain to react to real, imminent danger, by all means let it do its all-important job. But, most often the sense of danger or fear is a misperception, a distorted amygdala hijacking, and could be preventing a real growth opportunity.
Survive or thrive – it's your choice.
The choice to blend two separate families in remarriage is not an easy decision. In most cases, it takes the new family unit several years to develop an accepted, fluid group dynamic in which each person feels comfortable in their new role. Having patience and reasonable expectations at the outset is essential.
While it is already the job of most children, particularly teenagers, to test boundaries, this becomes all the more amplified in the new blended family. In this environment, a strong, solid couple relationship will make all the difference. Couples who are influenced by being popular or by feelings of guilt will emit signals of vulnerability that will be immediately gleaned by the children. These cracks in the new foundation will only fuel any anger or resentment by kids who are feeling insecure or unhappy about the new situation.
Check in with each other frequently, back each other up and keep to higher ground. Managing your emotions, with keen awareness to resist taking any of this personally, will allow you to maintain a broad perspective on the emerging family unit. Sharing your feelings with one another without blaming, creating conflict resolution plans, and developing rules and systems that are open to re-evaluation all help to guide you along.
Another helpful idea is the Family Meeting. Once a month or so, find some time to all sit down and take turns letting each new family member speak and feel heard. It is so important for children and parents to feel that someone listens and cares about how they are feeling. You could even try Reflective Listening, where you repeat what the person has said to validate that you have, in fact, heard them; then ask “Is that right?” to make sure you are understanding and “Is there more?” to assess if they have more to share. Not only will this affirm the shared thoughts and emotions, it will also prevent talking over one another and model good communication skills for their future relationships.
Encouragement and positive language is also necessary for the new family to flourish and grow in trust and love. Criticism between children or between child and parent is abusive and especially caustic to people in transition. Likewise, it is paramount that children not hear negative commentary about the non-custodial parent, no matter the history or truth of it. It will be particularly difficult for children to learn to trust their parents if they are exposed to negative banter.
And finally, don't forget to allow yourself to invite gratitude into your daily interactions, with your partner, your children and all those around you. Sharing how much you appreciate the people in your life goes a long way toward cultivating the blended family you envision.
While the challenges of creating a blended family are very real, so are the rewards and magic of that co-creation. Stay flexible, open-minded and ever humble to the task before you. Sustained awareness of the many messages - obvious and otherwise - that are shared as you journey together into your blended life will be your barometer – pay careful attention to them.
Certified Health and Lifestyle Coach, Sheryl Melanson, partners with people to transform limiting habits into mindful choices that express their values, create action plans and recalibrate their lifestyle to optimal well-being.